Thank you so much for reading this, since, you know, it's just about my life really.
I have had some....interesting thoughts recently. And I felt as though I could share them, without, well, being judged. At least here.
So, a few nights ago, I watched X-Men: First Class (the X-men movies released in 2011) and it came to the scene where Erik (That's Magento for those of you who do not know) walked in on Raven (that's Mystique) using the weights. And the scene had entered a small debate on how Raven used her powers to appear "normal."
And it ended in this line: You want society to accept you, but you can't even accept yourself.
And in all honesty, it holds true. You have to accept yourself before society can accept you, well, kind of. I mean, there will always be that one or two people that just dislike you, and that IS okay. You are a beautiful person, regardless.
Recently, I have been working on my self-esteem, or, lack of. At the end of my high school career, I sat down one day, and I really did stare myself in the mirror. I actually told myself, "Listen here, you fat and ugly bitch. You can only hide behind that facade of bitchiness for only so long. You lost all your friends almost, you have two actually really good friends from high school. Get your act together."
And since that day, I have been working on myself. And that was two moths ago. On my mirror, in dry erase marker so my parents don't freak, I have written down several words. "Faithful," "Loving," "Confident," and even "beautiful" are among them. I realized that I need to accept myself. And I am doing that myself.
Another reason I am writing this is because Bubz (from Bubzbeauty.com) made a video that I recently watched today, and it was amazing. I will link it at the end of the post for sure.
It basically went through how there are secrets from a truely happy person. And one of these quotes was by Maya Angelou: If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
I don't like my body, so I am trying to change it, because let's face it, I am fat and overweight by 20 pounds. And that's not attractive. Another thing that I don't like is my "I hate life, you, and your cow...so I am going to be a bitch" attitude that I have. So I am changing my attitude.
Okay, I think I need to back up a bit here. See, the reason that I call my self-esteem low is because I do actually have a ton of problems with myself, and although not all of them are my fault...well, I have no idea if they are or not. My image of myself isn't my fault. I know where that stems.
A long time ago, I was always picked on, for my eyes. You see, I have a red birthmark in my right eye, the pigment of the red mixes with the green to form a brown birthmark. "Well if it's brown how do you know the birthmark itself is red?" Actually, an outer part of the birthmark is red, that's how.
Anyway, they used to pick on me. And when I stopped reacting, and moved to Owasso, Oklahoma in 2004, It went from my eye color, to my last name. I mean, really? I didn't mind until I moved to Saint Louis, Missouri. And then the picking on got worse. I didn't talk much 9th grade, "Ooh! Freaking girl can't speak! What's wrong with her?!? What a loser!!"
I hated 9th grade. And then it went to my clothes, because I dressed "punk" or "emo" because that is what I was? I dressed how I dressed in Owasso. Then it went on to my choice in clubs and who was associated with the clubs.
"She's in GSA, she must be gay. Ew, gross! GAY! How disgusting." Remarks like that, REALLY start to hurt after a while. THEN in 11th grade, I put on weight. Whispers from other girls in the locker room about you being fat, or overweight, or some stupid remark about your bacne or whatever really sucked.
By my senior year, I had really been pushed around alot by my peers, and I was known as the weird girl, I mean there was a bunch of other kids in my school 100000000x weirder than I, but when I was in class...ugh. Awful.
And in my senior year, the being picked on stopped, a bit. But when I went out with my attractive friends, some a-hole would comment all the pretty girls and not say anything about the fat ugly duckling. So, yeah, it sucked.
There was one time when it was my two friends and I, and we were driving down the road from the mall to go home from shopping (140 USD at Buckle later xDD) and these guys, whom looked like TOTAL tools, in the car next to us saw only me, and yelled from the car window, at a stop light, "Hey! You're fucking ugly!"
When I got home that night, I actually broke down into tears, because in all honesty, although I had been called ugly, I was never actually CALLED ugly, it was whispered behind my back and not ever said, much less yelled, to my face.
I went to school the next day, in sweats and a hoodie, regardless of the 70+ weather of April. And I don't think I ate lunch that day, either, I kind of hid out in the library and read my book for novel class. It was just terrible.
Then a two months later, my mom...yes my mom told me that I shouldn't wear a bikini to the pool because I am 20 pounds over weight. But I wanted to get a slight tan (I am quite pale). And I still wore it, but I just sort of didn't really do much, I swam a bit. Attempted to tan...then went home.
And then, a month or so later after my crappy day at school, I sat myself down in front of the mirror and hand my heart to heart talk to myself. And now, two months later, I am here, telling you about my current struggle with myself. I joined the gym yesterday, for the first time, I was on a 9.0 incline at 3.8 or 4 MPH for about 30 min (because my knee started to hurt). And I went for a mile or so walk today, and I feel wonderful. My acne is going away, and I really am starting to feel beautiful. It truly is a wonderful feeling.
I remember that regardless of anything people can say to put me down, I am looking up now. And forward to college. College is going to give me a wonderful freedom, and I will going to the gym, whenever I can (since I only have classes 11-3:15, everyday). I am ready for a new look, I also found out that my school serves vegetarian foods. So I think I will try to eat that (with a meat cheat 2 days a week).
I guess what I am trying to say about all this, even with my rambling, is that you are beautiful, you worth something no matter what anyone else says. And even if you don't think so, someone close to you, loves you.
If you have ever contemplated suicide, you aren't alone. When I was younger, my middle school years, there were days that I just wanted to disappear, or die. I remember, there was one time in 7th grade, my boyfriend at the time (and yes, I say boyfriend, we dated all through middle school) he had seen a mark on my arm or my leg...I can't remember really which it was. And he asked what happened, I told him, "Oh, don't worry about it, it's just a misquito bite that I scratched too hard, and it bled." That was a lie. I had taken a pair of scissors and sawed at my arm till it bled, but it didn't look like it was scissors. He then leaned down, dang guy was like 6'5 in 7th grade, and told me that, it was in fact, not what I said it was, but he wouldn't tell and that if I didn't stop, he'd help me. I stopped. But it was a bad year, my mom and I were constantly at each other's throats.
Another time, in 8th grade, my best friend (who I am still close with), saw a huge scratch on my arm, like all the way down it. And she asked me what happened, and I told her, "Bella was too excited to see mom and she jumped out of my arm." Now, my best friend, having dated my, at this point ex-, boyfriend, knew that a dog didn't make that. So she sat me down and asked what was wrong, and I told her everything, my mom was sending me to therapy, she was scared I was a lesbian, I was acting out, anime and japanese culture was bad. I got into an actual fist fight with the neighbor's daughter because the little girl was being a little annoying bitch.
And I will never ever forget what she told me, "Look, I don't give a crap, how bad it gets. But if you ever do something like this to yourself again, I will personally beat the living daylights out of you, because I love you."
We are still best friends. We promised each other, friends till the end. We are going to grow up and live as single old women with our many dogs and ferrets. And maybe a cat or two.
And lastly, No matter how hard it gets, or how difficult it gets, there is always someone you can turn to, be it an elder person (sibling, mother father, teacher, counselor) or one of your peers (best friend, friend, twin). Hell even one of your pets.
Find an outlet, music is a big one. Poetry, short stories, reading, blogging, playing an instrument. It all helps. Getting involved with an organization helps, too. I was part of my Gay-Straight Alliance and Japanese Culture clubs for four years in high school. I volunteered, and I listened to music. They helped a lot.
Keep a journal, I know this could be considered an outlet, but it helps. I kept a journal, and it helped a bunch. Just writing my feelings out, it made me see that everything would be alright. And that something to hear you out.
Really find someone to listen. Be it a BFF, a boyfriend, girlfriend, sister, brother, father, mother, cousin, aunt, uncle, teacher, adviser, therapist, doctor, forum leader, website, chatbot, cleverbot, AIMbot, Tumblr, formspring, pet, animal, car, tombstone, dead relative,pastor, Reverend, minister, priest, God, Jesus, etc. Knowing you have someone to fall back on and support you is a great thing to have and feel. They will boost you up and help you on your feet. Because they care.
Make a list. Of all the positive words you are. Here are some examples, beautiful, lovely, peaceful, amazing, confident, hot, skinny, athletic, pretty, smart, clever, witty, organized, clean, patient, loving, caring, proud. If you can't find any, make a list of words you want to be and strive for them.
And remember, that even though I don't know the almost 1000 people that read this blog. I want you all to know you can always email me, or comment, message, and talk to me if you need help, because I believe that just listening to someone and helping makes a difference in someone's life.
I love you all,
Stay beautiful, because you all are.
Here is the video I mentioned: