I've been trying to think of the best way to post this. And have been sitting on this idea for a while... so here we go:
You don't know what the last few months have been like - you probably don't even care since you keep trying to be sweet to me. But I can't excuse the pain caused by you and by him.
The last 3 months have been the most awful three months in this relationship. When I found out that it was you of all people... I was upset. So many thoughts raced through my mind and frankly, it's probably one of the reasons my depression and insecurities are back. You're a bigger chick than I am and that's made me question everything about my body. Was I too skinny? Am I not enough woman for the man that I am so madly in love with?
Why you? How am I not good enough to keep him with me? How dare you be so nice to me know what you were doing behind my back?
For the last 3 months, I have struggled and am still struggling with trying to forgive him - and ultimately you. He should have shut down any advances from you when he and I became exclusive almost a year ago. But he didn't. And that betrayal is something he is paying for. Not because I am spiteful, but because I am hurt and he broke an already thin trust.
The night I found out about what was going on, I got in the car and I drove to my work... because I was crying so hard... I wasn't sure I was going to make it home alive. My coworkers comforted me as best they could... but there wasn't much they could do. It wasn't their battle. I just needed to be somewhere where I would not hurt him nor myself.
The after math of finding out that you were swapping explicit pictures and texts has caused be a lot of grief, a lot of sorrow and a lot of thoughts that I thought a buried a long, long time ago. It dragged up every betrayal by every man who had hurt me in some form or another.
My ex, who I rarely talk about anymore, came to the forefront of my mind. He called me a whore for breaking up with him to be with Krow. He dragged me through mud, slandered me to our mutual friends and made it so I felt I could not show my face in my hometown 45 mins from where I was currently residing. He told me that Krow would cheat on me and make me realize what I cunt I had been to him.
I felt that way. I am sure I felt the sorrow and pain that my ex felt... but to me, this was a new kind of betrayal. Because I specifically asked about you. And he lied to my face.
So while the betrayal hurt it was the lie that hurt more. I trusted he was not interested in you in that way... but yet the evidence was there.
Let's talk about the mental wounds that had been dragged up from the past. The eating disorder that is trying to rear it's ugly head, that I am pretty sure Krow is noticing. I gained an additional 10 to 15 pounds in the last 3 months. Because of depression eating? Because I work in fast food? It's not a far fetched truth that when I am extremely depressed that I binge. McDs, ice cream, cake, cookies, food from work, etc etc. Anything bad for me, I will eat it - especially if it makes me sick. Because when I feel like shit, I want my body to suffer too.
After gaining those 10/15 pounds, I have realized that I am getting close to hat I weighed in high school - a place I have always refused to ever be again. So, I had started to restrict my calorie intake as much as possibly and monitoring how much exercise I do... I don't want to admit it, but I didn't realize how much Krow was paying attention to my food intake until he asked me last night (9 June 2017). I could barely rattle off what I ate - because I couldn't remember that well. I ate once in the morning and then a small snack while I was working.
He told me it was under 1000 calories and that we were going to get taco bell. Something I really should have protested. No reason to eat high calorie foods, right?
It's a struggle to write about an old eating disorder I had that has resurfaced once in high school already. It started in middle school and I am not even sure how. I just decided I didn't want to eat that much because I was gaining weight. It wouldn't be until much later in life that I realize it's because I was going through puberty and was gaining weight because that's how a woman is biologically.
I was about 80 pounds up until my freshman year of high school. Tiny, petite and could fit in a 00-2, xs/s and I looked like a tiny object. It wouldn't be until the end of high school/beginning of sophomore year that I would get help from my friends (God knows my mother would have checked my into an institution).
It would rear it's head at the end of senior year/freshman year of college. For fear of the "freshman 15." That meant I would be 200-something on a scale. Something that I did not what to crack. And I have been trying and trying... and I finally dropped 50 pounds!
I digress, but it is important to realize that you may seem better but you are not fully cured. The eating disorder is still there in your mind. You will constantly go back to that thought of "when I was eating 300-500 calories a day, I looked like this." And you will think about how you looked and the attention you got.
Now, as I sit here thinking about all the damaged dragged up by something so awful, I realized that I had a few options. I could forgive him (my mother always believed you could work through infidelity), break up with him (and move back home), break up with him (and find a place to stay) or let this anger fester inside me so I could finally snap into an aggressive rage.
I have been trying the first, though the latter has been happening and I exploded several nights ago. Over something silly. Something that I have no right being angry about. Something I have been blaming you for. Something that I feel may be your fault a little bit. When I snapped, I turned into this monster. I told him everything. I didn't feel like he loved me. Like I wasn't good enough. Like he needed to have other women in his like. That I wasn't what he wanted. And I had a panic attack. All the stress, anxiety and pain built up over months finally made a crack in the mask I had been wearing for months.
That crack gave way to sobbing and pain. Sorrow and nothing would make it better.
Because of you and him not respecting the exclusivity of an exclusive relationship. Because after 3 months, I am learning that forgiving has become so much harder after being stabbed in the back over and over again.
I made my peace with him. He knows that if this happens again, he will lose me - in more way than one. It will ruin our friendship of almost 10 years, it will ruin a relationship where I have never felt more loved and accepted and it will ruin something him and I have worked so hard for. Almost 11 months of long distance - 6 hours of travel each way by train - and the step of moving in and getting our kittens (who will be with us in August, officially).
I haven't made my peace with you. My mother always told me that I was a forgiving child. That I would allow people to walk all over me before I finally snapped.
I'm not that child anymore.
I've had hardships that may make you cringe (that's another post for another time). I have felt betrayed before, and been betrayed before as well. Cheated on, used, abused and thrown away.
I've learned the saying "Men may forget, but they do not forgive. Women may forgive, but they do not forget." I am in the process of forgiving him. I am not sure how I can forgive you. You looked at me and tried to play nice with me. I have no reason to feel threatened by you and yet at the Memorial Day party, I felt the need to stay by Krow's side because you were there. Scared that if I left too long, you would be all over him. It's why I didn't drink. I had to make sure my filters were in tact so I didn't say something. When, before he and I left, you and I were in that kitchen, I almost said something. God, was I itching to tell you that what you did was crossing a major boundary with me.
You disrespected my relationship. And you had no right to do that. I want you to stay away - but you're in the same friend group as him. Same LARP group and you guys go to events in the same circle...
Maybe, one day, I will be able to forgive what you did. Like how I am trying to learn to forgive what he did. Right now, K, I can't. I want to. I am sure you're a nice person... but I can't forgive someone who has hurt me so badly like this. Who has managed to wiggle her way into my relationship with someone I plan on spending several years with.
I almost gave it all up that night. I was ready to take a backpack and go home for a few days before deciding what exactly I wanted to do. Instead, I decided to try and make this work. A year and a half relationship almost flushed down the toilet because he couldn't do the right thing and shut you down right then and there. Instead he had to almost lose me completely.
I won't talk anymore about insecurities - at least in this post. You don't deserve to be my friend, just because Krow is your friend.
Like I said, maybe one day I will be able to forgive you, but today is not that day, dear.
I have said my peace and I can safely say that after this, I feel better. I truly, truly do. Maybe this is what I needed to help my healing process. Maybe not. Perhaps this is a placebo. We shall see in the coming weeks what it holds for me.
Thank you for allowing me to cross this bridge with Krow. Because I believe that our relationship is a little stronger because of it. He realizes that he's mistakes have consequences. His choices have direct effects on our relationship.
To those of you that read my blog,
Thank you for allowing me a place that I can tell my story. For allowing me to talk about these things and anything that crosses my mind. I understand K may not see this unless it is shown to her. But I am happy jut to get this off my chest.